


Fuck, Marry, Kill?

by impravidus



Series: Parkner Meets Miraculous Ladybug Tropes [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crushes, Drabble, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gay Harley Keener, Harley Keener as Iron Lad, Humor, Identity Porn, M/M, Mutual Pining, Peter Parker is a Mess, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Precious Peter Parker, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: Spider-Man and Iron Lad identity shenanigans featuring an innocent game of Fuck, Marry, Kill.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener/Peter Parker
Series: Parkner Meets Miraculous Ladybug Tropes [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1705516
Comments: 23
Kudos: 295





	Fuck, Marry, Kill?

“Okay, okay. Fuck, marry, kill:  [ Ned Fulmer ](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/the-try-guys/images/e/e9/ZRZWis_R_400x400.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20180804030358) ,  [ Keith Habersberger ](https://www.thefamouspeople.com/profiles/thumbs/keith-habersberger-1.jpg) , and  [ Zach Kornfeld ](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/bf/05/52/bf055232fa56a52d0eb412924e1295ae.jpg) from the Try Guys?”

“Why those three? Why not Eugene?” 

“Because who wouldn’t want to fuck Eugene?”

Peter laughed, smiling at the magenta multi chrome shelled hero laying next to him. “Okay, fine. Uhhh, fuck Ned, marry Zach, kill Keith.”

“You’d kill Keith?” Iron Lad asked flabbergasted.

“C’mon. Zach is a catch. Plus, I don’t know, after the Barkschler and Eat The Menu, my love for Keith has dwindled,” Peter said with a shrug.

“Okay, hit me with one.”

Peter thought for a moment. “Okay, SortedFood:  [ Ben ](http://www.universitytimes.ie/2015/11/interview-sorted-food-chef-and-director-ben-ebbrell/) ,  [ James ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CwPudrZWAAAHP3T.jpg) , and  [ Mike ](https://i.pinimg.com/236x/e4/eb/a2/e4eba2f22a586a1e3bdd386e4d2e0d99--playlists-foxes.jpg) .”

“Oh, starting hard.” Though Peter couldn’t see Iron Lad’s face, he could tell that he was deep in thought. “Fuck James, marry Ben, kill Mike.”

“ _ Kill Mike?!” _

“Well what would you do?!” Iron Lad questioned.

“Fuck Mike, marry Ben, kill James.”

“You would kill James.  _ James? _ !”

“He’s not my type!” Peter exclaimed exasperated.

“You’re saying that strong, tall men with stubble who can  _ cook  _ are not your type.”

“He’s just not my type. I guess I’m into blonde guys.”

Iron Lad sat up. “Oh? Really? Any particular blonde guy that’s got your attention?” 

“Oh fuck off,” Peter said with a defensive chuckle.

“Nooo, c’mon, Webs. You’ve gotta spill. Has someone finally caught the attention of our resident spider?”

Peter flushed, thankful he was hidden behind the mask. “Well, what about you?”

“Uh uh, this ain’t about me. C’mon. Besides, you know I've only got eyes for you," Iron Lad said, his tone more sincere than Peter noticed.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"Seriously, though, this is groundbreaking stuff. Is this a celebrity crush? Because I have a catalogue of hot blondes scrolling through my mind right now.”

“Just drop it, Laddie. It’s embarrassing.”

“Ooo, embarrassing. That narrows the list. Luke from Five Seconds of Summer? Pewdiepie? Jake Paul?” He gasped lightly. “ _ Logan  _ Paul?”

“Laddie…” Peter gave him a pointed look.

“Okay okay. Not the Paul brothers. Owen Wilson? Jake from Hannah Montana?”

“Hey! There is nothing embarrassing about having a crush on Jake from Hannah Montana.”

“So, I’m getting closer,” Iron Lad stated. “Is it someone we know?”

Peter didn’t respond.

“It is! Okay, who do we both know that’s blonde? Steve Rogers? Clint Barton? Thor?”

“Thor may have been my bi awakening but it’s not Thor,” Peter said.

“Then who is it?” Iron Lad whined.

“You can’t make fun of me, alright?”

“I won’t.” He drew an x on his chest. “Cross my heart.”

“You know Harley Keener? The one who works in the labs on our suits?”

“Yeah…?” Iron Lad said, confusion evident in his voice.

“It’s him. I have a crush on Harley.”

Iron Lad didn’t respond.

“C’mon. It’s not that bad.”

“N-no,” Iron Lad said, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

“What’s wrong?” Peter asked.

“I… wow! Look at the time. Can you believe what time it is? It’s, wow,” he yawned over-exaggeratedly, “I really have to go. I really have to uh go home and go to bed. Need to be well rested for a great day of education in the morning. I’ll…” he backed up, slipping off the roof with a yelp, quickly engaging his repulsors and flying up. “I’ll see you later.” And with that, he flew away.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chat, my Tumblr is [official-impravidus](official-impravidus.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you want to join a Parkner Discord, click [here!](https://discord.gg/vztSVpg)


End file.
